Category Archives: Personal Development

The most important factor in personal success

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Psychologists have discovered the factor that determines your success or failure in life. What they discovered may surprise you – but probably won’t.

The key to your success in life may rest on your ability to tell yourself one very simple word, and enforce that decision.

Not surprisingly, that word is “No.” (I have a three year-old and a 10-month old at my house, so we use that word quite frequently.)

Your ability to tell yourself “No” – to master your appetites, emotions and impulses – is the key to success in life.

In 1972, psychologist Walter Mischel of Stanford University conducted what has come to be known as the “marshmallow experiment.” The study took place at the Bing Nursery School on the university’s campus. The test subjects were children ages four to six.

One at a time, Mischel took the children into a room that was free from distractions. Researchers would seat the child at a table. On the table was a tray with a treat of their choice – an Oreo cookie, marshmallow, or pretzel stick. The researcher then gave the child two choices. He or she could eat the treat immediately, or, if they waited 15 minutes without giving into temptation, they would be rewarded with a second treat.

Mischel observed that some children covered their eyes or turned around so they couldn’t see the tray. Others kicked the desk or tugged on their hair. Some petted the marshmallow like it was a pet. Of course, a few just ate the marshmallow as soon as the researcher left the room.

More than 600 children took part in the experiment. Of those, a minority ate the marshmallow immediately. Of those who attempted to delay gratification, a third lasted long enough to earn a second marshmallow.

Years later, Mischel discovered an unexpected correlation between the results of his marshmallow test and the success of the children.

  • A 1988 follow-up study showed that, once they reached adolescence, the students who delayed gratification longer were more likely to be described as “competent” by their parents.
  • A second follow-up study, in 1990, showed that the ability to delay gratification correlated with higher SAT scores.
  • A 2011 study of the same participants indicates that the characteristic remains with the person for life.

Simply put, students who were able to master their appetites and impulses were more successful than their peers who couldn’t – or wouldn’t – do the same.

You may have noticed that the world is falling apart because too many people can’t tell themselves “no.” Entire countries are in the tank because they couldn’t resist the urge to spend far more than they brought in. And when they have tried to implement austerity measures, the public has responded with outrage. It seems governments aren’t the only ones who don’t like to be told no.

Before we chide the Greeks, recall that the average American now owes more than he or she makes annually. We can’t seem to control our impulses at the dinner table, either. In a majority of American states, one out of four people are obese. Not just overweight – obese. In Mississippi, 34 percent of the population is obese.

What is the solution? I believe it is found in this piece of advice that Arthur MacArthur, Jr., gave his young son Douglas.

“Learn to say ‘no’ to your feelings,” the elder MacArthur taught his son. “Occasionally deny yourself things that are alright just for the purpose of mastering doing it.”

Young Douglas embraced the discipline drilled into him by his soldier father. The young man attended West Point and graduated at the top of his class. During World War I he rose to the rank of brigadier general and was twice nominated for a Medal of Honor.

In World War II, Douglas MacArthur became commander of U.S. Army Forces Far East. He officially accepted Japan’s surrender in September 1945. Later, he led the United Nations Command in the Korean War.

The pipe-smoking general became one of the most legendary military commanders in American history, and one of his generation’s most beloved figures. His life demonstrates that those who first learn to rule themselves eventually will bear rule over others.

Triumphing over our basic human impulses also is at the heart of Christianity. Jesus told His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.” (Matthew 16:24, NKJV)

Jesus wasn’t glorifying suffering. He knew ultimate triumph and happiness in life could only come through triumphing over your appetites and emotions, not indulging them.

As counter-intuitive as it may sound, self-indulgence is not the path to happiness. Rather, Jesus knew it was the road to ruin.

I like the way that Eugene Peterson, the writer behind the very popular paraphrase of the Bible known as The Message, rendered Jesus’ teachings in Matthew 16:25:

“Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself?”

Roger Staubach isn’t Jesus Christ, but I do like how he put it:

“Winning isn’t getting ahead of others, it is getting ahead of yourself.”

True success in life hinges on our ability to master our impulses, appetites and emotions. As the young students at Bing Nursery School discovered, the blessings of self-denial are double those offered through instant gratification.

Avoiding bankruptcy in the game of life

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Money bags and barsI love balancing the checkbook. (I’m weird like that.) I think it’s because I view my checkbook balance as a scoreboard. It’s is one way of seeing how well I’m doing in the area of finances. A fat balance means our family is winning: red represents disaster. It’s a form of instant feedback.

Our lives are a series of accounts. Every person has a spiritual account, a physical account, an emotional account, relationship accounts, career accounts, and many more. Each of those accounts has a balance. Each account is interconnected, similar to your bank accounts. Drain your checking account, and you’ll have to tap into savings to cover the shortfall. Drain one of your life balances, and it’s going to have a negative effect on other areas.

Throughout the course of our days, we make deposits and withdrawals in each of those accounts. How much we deposit is mostly up to us. Life usually determines how much gets withdrawn.

Maybe it’s just me, but I seem to notice more and more men (and women) walking around overdrawn in multiple life accounts. It seems that our penchant of living beyond our means isn’t just affecting our finances. Too many men are walking around physically drained, emotionally spent and spiritually bankrupt.

Have you ever had a time when your checking account was overdrawn? It might have been an honest mistake, but, until the problem was fixed, you felt uneasy and stressed out. (At least you should have.)

The same thing happens with our life accounts. When we live with even one or two continuously overdrawn accounts, it creates tremendous stress. Unfortunately, some men are overdrawn in almost all of their accounts, and the result can be total burnout.

It is imperative that we make daily – or at least weekly – deposits in each of our important accounts. We usually don’t know when life is going to come along and make a big withdrawal from one – or even all – of our accounts.

In 2005, Hurricane Katrina slammed into the Gulf Coast of the United States, causing immense devastation. Thousands of people lost their homes and all of their property.

I know a pastor who lived through the hurricane and its aftermath. The storm destroyed the church where his congregation met. Most of the parishioners were forced inland, and many never returned. The congregation decreased by half overnight.

To complicate matters further, this pastor’s elderly father was in a Gulf Coast nursing home when the storm hit. During the course of the evacuation, the elderly gentleman contracted pneumonia and died. It was a devastating blow.

The worst was yet to come. Before Katrina, the pastor’s wife had been diagnosed with cancer. After the storm, the couple could not return to their home. It had been completely flooded, and then overtaken by mold. Doctors told them that, because the wife’s immune system was severely compromised, the mold would prevent them from ever living in the house again. The couple was forced to live in a tiny trailer provided by the Federal Emergency Management Agency. The pastor’s wife continued to struggle valiantly against the disease, but she eventually lost the battle.

It seemed Hurricane Katrina had drained almost every one of this pastor’s life accounts. He was physically, emotionally and financially spent. Some who knew him well compared his suffering to that of the Biblical account of Job.

In the middle of these dark days, the pastor testified that what was carrying him through were the spiritual reserves he had stockpiled over the years. At that point, he was too exhausted to pray. But in better days, he had consistently spent time in prayer and in the Scriptures. Now, when he was at his lowest point and just holding on, those reserves sustained him.

Today, this pastor is back in the pulpit. His home and church have been rebuilt. His congregation is growing. He has remarried, and he and his new bride are building a happy life together. His spiritual, emotional, relational, and even financial reserves are being replenished. Should another storm blow through his life, this pastor will be ready.

This pastor endured extreme circumstances, but you and I can be sure life will send some storms our way, too. They may not come in the form of a hurricane or the death of our spouse, but they’ll blow our way, nonetheless. How we handle the storm depends on how well we prepare in advance.

Joseph is one of my Biblical heroes. In Genesis 41, he became ruler of Egypt just prior to seven years of abundant harvests. Because of the forewarning of God, Joseph knew these good years would be followed by seven years of famine. Consequently, Joseph saved up huge stockpiles of grain during the good times. When famine hit, Egypt had plenty of reserves to carry them through.

On the other hand, Joseph’s father and his brothers – the patriarchs of the nation of Israel, God’s chosen people – apparently didn’t know the famine was coming. They were unprepared, and were forced to go to Egypt to buy food for their families. It created great financial and relational stress in their family. They were saved only by the mercy of Joseph, the man who had stockpiled some reserves.

Every one of us has times of blessing and abundance in our lives. Sometimes it comes in the form of extra free time. This often is true when we’re young. Or maybe we receive additional money that we weren’t expecting. What we do with those extra resources can determine whether we survive the lean times that will surely come.

I believe it is possible to maintain a surplus in every important area of life. Sure, there are moments and sometimes even seasons when we exhaust our resources in one particular area. That happens to the best of us. But when we reach that point, it’s time to step back and start making deposits to replenish the account.

Today is the day to start building up your accounts. Pray before the crisis hits. Exercise and eat right before sickness comes. (You may prevent its arrival altogether.) Save money before the car breaks down. Spend time with your friends and family while they’re still here.

Let’s build a surplus. We won’t regret it.

Climbing the “LADDER” to better listening

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Ear.jpgThe ability to truly listen to other people is a rare skill. Just ask any Junior High teacher and I’ll guarantee you they’ll confirm what I’m saying.

In reality, the ability to truly listen to another person and understand what that person is trying to say is a rare skill among people of all ages.

Listening does have many tangible benefits.

  • Better listening can lead to a better marriage. How many times have people blamed the breakup of their relationship on “communication failures?”
  • Better listening can help us be better parents. When I was a kid, I didn’t really want to hear a lecture from adults: I just wanted someone to listen to my problems and show a little sympathy. Come to think of it, that’s still what I want.
  • Better listening can help you in business. Customers often just want someone who will listen to them and try to understand their problem. I would almost guarantee that a good listener can outsell a good talker.

Most of us want to have better relationships, both personally and in business. But really listening can be difficult.

This morning, during Calvary Tabernacle’s monthly leadership class, we discussed the topic of listening. We’re using John Maxwell’s Developing the Leader Within You curriculum, and today’s lesson contained several valuable insights into the subject.

In Lesson Two, “Leadership is Influence,” John Maxwell offers an easy-to-remember guide to better listening skills. He refers to it as the “Ladder to Better Listening,” with “LADDER” being an acronym for the skills we need in order to listen to and understand others.

LOOK at the speaker. Maxwell says, “Meanings are not in words but in people.” It’s difficult for people to believe that you’re listening to them when you aren’t even looking at them.

ASK questions. Asking the right questions can be the quickest path to gaining understanding.

In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, author Stephen Covey gives several helpful tips on this subject when discussing “Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Covey recommends repeating back to the other person what you believe they are trying to say, asking them, “Am I understanding you correctly?”

One note: there is a fine line between trying to be understanding and being obnoxious. Make sure you don’t cross that line.

DON’T interrupt. When I was in my late teens/early 20s, I had a boss who spoke slowly and took a long time to explain everything. In my youthful impatience, I developed the terrible habit of jumping in and completing his sentences for him.

One day my boss got tired of my rudeness and told me I would learn a lot more if I would just let him do the talking. And you know what: he was right.

Maxwell says, “It’s just as rude to step on people’s ideas as it is to step on their toes.”

DON’T change the subject. When people speak, we might not think that what they’re saying is important. But while their subject might not matter to us, it certainly does matter to them.

Attempting to change the subject says to the other person, “What I want to talk about is more important than what you want to talk about.” It also conveys the message that our ideas and thoughts are more important than theirs. It is the height of arrogance.

Check your EMOTIONS. Sometimes it can be very difficult to hide/control our emotions, especially if the other person’s words are hurtful or accusatory. But when we react emotionally to what others are saying – especially if we react with anger or rage – then dialogue ends and the argument begins.

We must learn to control our emotions if we truly desire to listen to and understand others.

Practice RESPONSIVE listening. If we listen but don’t respond, the person who was speaking is going to feel as though we weren’t really listening at all. Or, worse yet, that we just didn’t care about what they were saying.

Maxwell says, “When people feel that their leader no longer listens or responds, they will go somewhere else.”

When it comes to bettering their communication skills, leaders – especially ministers – tend to focus primarily on speaking.  But what if we invested an equal amount of work into becoming better listeners? I guarantee our spouses, friends and fellow Christians would appreciate our efforts.

The next time you find yourself in an important conversation, remember to climb the ladder of listening:

Look at the speaker.
Ask questions.
Don’t interrupt.
Don’t change the subject.
Check your Emotions.
Respond in an appropriate way.

At the top of the ladder, you will find communication success.

Become an awesome public speaker (while having fun)

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Speaker.jpgYou hear your name being introduced over the loudspeaker. The Master of Ceremonies turns, smiles in your direction and extends a welcoming hand.

You walk to the podium like a condemned man headed for the gallows. The stage lights shining hotly into your face as a thousand sets of eyes follow your every move. Your legs quiver as fear rises out of your belly and wraps its fingers around your throat. You fumble with your notes. You desperately want to run, but there’s nowhere to hide. You are sure you are going to fail. You are going to embarrass yourself in front of all these people. And they will never forget what a fool you are.

The very thought of public speaking makes some people nearly soil themselves on the spot. I used to be one of those people. But that was a long time ago. At this point in my life, I’ve spoken publicly hundreds (maybe thousands) of times. I’ve spoken three times in the last two days: I taught the Calvary Tabernacle’s young ministers class yesterday morning, preached the Sunday evening sermon, and spoke again this evening.

Am I any good, you ask? Well, I’m probably not going to make anyone forget Demosthenes (or Ronald Reagan, for those of you who don’t know Greek history), but I can get the job done. I’ve even gotten some praise for my speaking ability.

For me, becoming a confident public speaker has taken practice, more than a few embarrassing slip-ups, and a lot of help from God. But there is an easier way (although I would encourage you to incorporate God in the process).

I’m talking about Toastmasters International.

Toastmasters International.jpgToastmasters is an organization dedicated to helping people like you become a confident public speaker and a better leader. I joined the Quincy, Ill., club, Gem City Toastmasters, last June. Nine months later I can say it was one of the best decisions I made in 2009. In that short amount of time, I have learned a lot of speaking tips and tricks and become a more confident speaker.

Toastmasters works on a very simple premise: to become a better public speaker, you need to build your confidence by speaking a lot in front of a supportive audience. That supportive audience is your fellow Toastmasters. During almost every meeting, you will have a chance to speak for at least a couple of minutes. You might be one of the features speakers of the day, an evaluator, the Toastmaster of the Day (the Master of Ceremonies), or perhaps you’ll just give a brief response during what are known as “Table Topics.” (Think of a job interview, only a lot more hilarious.)

Does it work? During one of my first meetings, I heard a young lady give one of her first speeches. She clearly was very nervous, and it was apparent that she was practically reciting her speech from memory.

Flash forward to a month or so ago. The same young lady addressed our group, only this time she hit a home run. She was confident, funny and bold. It was a fantastic speech, and her fellow Toastmasters heaped on the praise.

You say it couldn’t happen for you? Why not give it a try? Look up the nearest Toastmaster club online and attend a meeting. Or, if you live in the Quincy area, join the Gem City Toastmasters at 5:30 p.m. on the first and third Mondays of the month. We meet at Calvary Tabernacle, located at 1125 Hampshire, and we’d love to see you at our next meeting.

Click here for more tips on improving your presentation skills, courtesy of Inc.com, or read the text of my latest Toastmasters speech, The Power of a Positive Attitude. (I owe John Maxwell of debt of gratitude for supplying most of the materials for this speech.) Or, for more information about what Toastmasters can do for you, watch the official Welcome to Toastmasters video.

A positive attitude: the choice is ours

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John Maxwell shares a very interesting story about his father, Melvin Maxwell. The senior Maxwell grew up Georgetown, Ohio, a small community not far from Dayton. As a young man, Melvin Maxwell noticed there were three citizens in Georgetown who were much more successful than the rest. Most of the community was, in John Maxwell’s words, “average.”

While in high school, Melvin Maxwell had the opportunity to perform chores for each of these three prominent Georgetown personalities. In the process, he noticed that one important characteristic separated them from the rest of the pack: all three had a positive attitude.

“How they thought was the greatest separator between their success and the rest of us who were kind of average or a little bit below average,” the older Maxwell told his famous son.

Melvin Maxwell also admitted that, at that point, he naturally had a negative, cynical bent in his own attitude. But upon seeing the positive impact that a good attitude had on the success of these three Georgetown residents, he said, “That was the day I made a choice.”

“I determined to go against what would be natural for me or easy for me, and I determined to have a good attitude,” Maxwell told his son. “From that point on, I felt that the attitude is the most important thing that I can work on in my life.”

John Maxwell relates that, throughout his life, he has always admired his father’s positive attitude. But that positive attitude wasn’t a byproduct of Melvin Maxwell’s personality: it was a choice he made as a young man.

If there is one choice we can make this year that will change our lives, it is the choice to change our attitude.

For more on attitude, click here to watch a great interview between John Maxwell and Joyce Meyer.