Psychologists have discovered the factor that determines your success or failure in life. What they discovered may surprise you – but probably won’t.
The key to your success in life may rest on your ability to tell yourself one very simple word, and enforce that decision.
Not surprisingly, that word is “No.” (I have a three year-old and a 10-month old at my house, so we use that word quite frequently.)
Your ability to tell yourself “No” – to master your appetites, emotions and impulses – is the key to success in life.
In 1972, psychologist Walter Mischel of Stanford University conducted what has come to be known as the “marshmallow experiment.” The study took place at the Bing Nursery School on the university’s campus. The test subjects were children ages four to six.
One at a time, Mischel took the children into a room that was free from distractions. Researchers would seat the child at a table. On the table was a tray with a treat of their choice – an Oreo cookie, marshmallow, or pretzel stick. The researcher then gave the child two choices. He or she could eat the treat immediately, or, if they waited 15 minutes without giving into temptation, they would be rewarded with a second treat.
Mischel observed that some children covered their eyes or turned around so they couldn’t see the tray. Others kicked the desk or tugged on their hair. Some petted the marshmallow like it was a pet. Of course, a few just ate the marshmallow as soon as the researcher left the room.
More than 600 children took part in the experiment. Of those, a minority ate the marshmallow immediately. Of those who attempted to delay gratification, a third lasted long enough to earn a second marshmallow.
Years later, Mischel discovered an unexpected correlation between the results of his marshmallow test and the success of the children.
- A 1988 follow-up study showed that, once they reached adolescence, the students who delayed gratification longer were more likely to be described as “competent” by their parents.
- A second follow-up study, in 1990, showed that the ability to delay gratification correlated with higher SAT scores.
- A 2011 study of the same participants indicates that the characteristic remains with the person for life.
Simply put, students who were able to master their appetites and impulses were more successful than their peers who couldn’t – or wouldn’t – do the same.
You may have noticed that the world is falling apart because too many people can’t tell themselves “no.” Entire countries are in the tank because they couldn’t resist the urge to spend far more than they brought in. And when they have tried to implement austerity measures, the public has responded with outrage. It seems governments aren’t the only ones who don’t like to be told no.
Before we chide the Greeks, recall that the average American now owes more than he or she makes annually. We can’t seem to control our impulses at the dinner table, either. In a majority of American states, one out of four people are obese. Not just overweight – obese. In Mississippi, 34 percent of the population is obese.
What is the solution? I believe it is found in this piece of advice that Arthur MacArthur, Jr., gave his young son Douglas.
“Learn to say ‘no’ to your feelings,” the elder MacArthur taught his son. “Occasionally deny yourself things that are alright just for the purpose of mastering doing it.”
Young Douglas embraced the discipline drilled into him by his soldier father. The young man attended West Point and graduated at the top of his class. During World War I he rose to the rank of brigadier general and was twice nominated for a Medal of Honor.
In World War II, Douglas MacArthur became commander of U.S. Army Forces Far East. He officially accepted Japan’s surrender in September 1945. Later, he led the United Nations Command in the Korean War.
The pipe-smoking general became one of the most legendary military commanders in American history, and one of his generation’s most beloved figures. His life demonstrates that those who first learn to rule themselves eventually will bear rule over others.
Triumphing over our basic human impulses also is at the heart of Christianity. Jesus told His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.” (Matthew 16:24, NKJV)
Jesus wasn’t glorifying suffering. He knew ultimate triumph and happiness in life could only come through triumphing over your appetites and emotions, not indulging them.
As counter-intuitive as it may sound, self-indulgence is not the path to happiness. Rather, Jesus knew it was the road to ruin.
I like the way that Eugene Peterson, the writer behind the very popular paraphrase of the Bible known as The Message, rendered Jesus’ teachings in Matthew 16:25:
“Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself?”
Roger Staubach isn’t Jesus Christ, but I do like how he put it:
“Winning isn’t getting ahead of others, it is getting ahead of yourself.”
True success in life hinges on our ability to master our impulses, appetites and emotions. As the young students at Bing Nursery School discovered, the blessings of self-denial are double those offered through instant gratification.



