The ability to truly listen to other people is a rare skill. Just ask any Junior High teacher and I’ll guarantee you they’ll confirm what I’m saying.

In reality, the ability to truly listen to another person and understand what that person is trying to say is a rare skill among people of all ages.

Listening does have many tangible benefits.

• Better listening can lead to a better marriage. How many times have people blamed the breakup of their relationship on “communication failures?”
• Better listening can help us be better parents. When I was a kid, I didn’t really want to hear a lecture from adults: I just wanted someone to listen to my problems and show a little sympathy. Come to think of it, that’s still what I want.
• Better listening can help you in business. Customers often just want someone who will listen to them and try to understand their problem. I would almost guarantee that a good listener can outsell a good talker.

Most of us want to have better relationships, both personally and in business. But really listening can be difficult.

This morning, during Calvary Tabernacle’s monthly leadership class, we discussed the topic of listening. We’re using John Maxwell’s Developing the Leader Within You curriculum, and today’s lesson contained several valuable insights into the subject.

In Lesson Two, “Leadership is Influence,” John Maxwell offers an easy-to-remember guide to better listening skills. He refers to it as the “Ladder to Better Listening,” with “LADDER” being an acronym for the skills we need in order to listen to and understand others.

LOOK at the speaker. Maxwell says, “Meanings are not in words but in people.” It’s difficult for people to believe that you’re listening to them when you aren’t even looking at them.

ASK questions. Asking the right questions can be the quickest path to gaining understanding.

In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, author Stephen Covey gives several helpful tips on this subject when discussing “Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Covey recommends repeating back to the other person what you believe they are trying to say, asking them, “Am I understanding you correctly?”

One note: there is a fine line between trying to be understanding and being obnoxious. Make sure you don’t cross that line.

DON’T interrupt. When I was in my late teens/early 20s, I had a boss who spoke slowly and took a long time to explain everything. In my youthful impatience, I developed the terrible habit of jumping in and completing his sentences for him.

One day my boss got tired of my rudeness and told me I would learn a lot more if I would just let him do the talking. And you know what: he was right.

Maxwell says, “It’s just as rude to step on people’s ideas as it is to step on their toes.”

DON’T change the subject. When people speak, we might not think that what they’re saying is important. But while their subject might not matter to us, it certainly does matter to them.

Attempting to change the subject says to the other person, “What I want to talk about is more important than what you want to talk about.” It also conveys the message that our ideas and thoughts are more important than theirs. It is the height of arrogance.

Check your EMOTIONS. Sometimes it can be very difficult to hide/control our emotions, especially if the other person’s words are hurtful or accusatory. But when we react emotionally to what others are saying – especially if we react with anger or rage – then dialogue ends and the argument begins.

We must learn to control our emotions if we truly desire to listen to and understand others.

Practice RESPONSIVE listening. If we listen but don’t respond, the person who was speaking is going to feel as though we weren’t really listening at all. Or, worse yet, that we just didn’t care about what they were saying.

Maxwell says, “When people feel that their leader no longer listens or responds, they will go somewhere else.”

When it comes to bettering their communication skills, leaders – especially ministers – tend to focus primarily on speaking.  But what if we invested an equal amount of work into becoming better listeners? I guarantee our spouses, friends and fellow Christians would appreciate our efforts.

The next time you find yourself in an important conversation, remember to climb the ladder of listening:

Look at the speaker.
Ask questions.
Don’t interrupt.
Don’t change the subject.
Check your Emotions.
Respond in an appropriate way.

At the top of the ladder, you will find communication success.